My Greatest Achievement

Out of any award, accolade, recognition or pat on the back I’ve ever garnered, this one from my junior year in high school undoubtedly is my apex of human merit assessment. That’s right, the award means I was really awesome at gym class. And if you think the fruit in the background is accidental, you’re worse than somebody that collects bookmarks.

When it seems only a garden rake could tame my face, I know it’s time to reach for the only comb in the business that will make my beard pretty again.